God, gasoline, friends, and beer

... the active ingredients of my upcoming Florida vacation, listed by weight. I leave Friday 3/5, return whenever I feel like it.


Somewhere recently I read this quote - "Worry is a mild form of atheism."

Forgive me, God, for the many days I've been an unbeliever recently.




Physically - I have worn myself down in the past 5+ weeks. The rebuild commences in 5..4..3..

Emotionally - Nervously optimistic about the things I want for my life. Translation: I'm scared shitless about some things, near-apathetic about the others.

Spiritually - I talk to God, He answers... How cool is that?

Cheerios and Beer

I figured something out tonight. I figured out that being sad sucks. No more of that stupid shit.



Physically - The thinnest I've been in years. Huh... Liza was right, less of me IS a good thing. (come on, laugh, that was funny)

Emotionally - The pain will be there for some time, but no longer dominates.

Spiritually - I have to remember to talk to God and seek his guidance, even on the good days.

Hell Week, take 2

I hurt too much to write too much. This stuff was over last Saturday. Then my broken but healing heart was picked back up, massaged, punched, thrown in the mud, cleaned off, given hope, and then thrown in a wood chipper.

My heart wants so badly to hope, but knows it can't handle another disappointment right now.

I told Liza that certain things would make getting over her much easier. That was so much bullshit. I hurt far more than I ever thought I could over you, Liza.

Physically - Zombified

Emotionally - Empty yet overflowing. I have nothing to give right now, I can only take.

Spiritually - When laying down to sleep, I dreaded waking up this morning, knowing the pain would be a sledgehammer waiting to hit me in the chest. But when consciousness did make its cruel return, I prayed for God's help.

Time wounds all heels

Earworm of the week...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lnPXjgrNMIw

Watching, waiting, wondering, pondering...

Things to consider...

• Summer classes start 5/13.
• My job, as it currently exists, won't allow the classes.
• I want some time off, about 2 months.
• A month-long ride around the country on a motorcycle. How does April sound?
• I have the money to make it all easy(er).

All this equates to quitting my job for my 38th birthday.

Watching, waiting, wondering, pondering...

... and praying.

Have you lost weight?

The good news is that I'm thinner than I've been in years. The bad news is that a week ago I was nearly as fat as I've ever been.

The great news is that I'm supposed to go out to eat with the one I've been worried about.

Physically - I feel great.

Emotionally - I know what an emotional roller coaster feels like. But this feels more like a rocket sled.

Spiritually - About as good as ever.

Excitement!!!

This morning, after reading all of my few blog posts to date, a friend told me that it looks like an exciting time for me. I replied that I'll be glad when I can see the exciting part.

As I typed that reply I was standing in the office of a career counselor. Exciting things happened in the next hour or so.

Who the hell am I?

My grandmother, mentioned in the last post, usually does not remember me when I see her. She didn't this morning but she guessed, she guessed... wrong. I just played along, it mattered not. Hell, I don't even know who I am.

Just kidding.

Yes I do.

What is love?

A good man, when asked by me what love is, told me that love is a verb, something you do.

Before I tell you where I am, some background facts...

-My father's 89 year old mother is in rapidly declining health.
-My mother has been divorced from my father for 20 years.
-My father's mother didn't like my mother for many decades of their relationship.



As I began this post I was sitting and crying, next to my mother as she fed my father's mother. That's what I was typing, Mom.

And to think that I have problems with love.

HOPE and CHANGE cont'd

In my mind I've written a great post this morning. I don't have it in me to put it all into words right now. So much has happened since the last post, so much has changed. I'll probably tell the story of yesterday on these pages, but for now I want to share two messages, a picture sent from Liza to me just minutes ago, and then my text reply.

"Thanks for sharing. I wish I had rediscovered God before this week. So much pride. So much focus on myself. I lost God, I lost me, then I lost you. I hope our friendship will continue. I hope I don't squander any more opportunities."

And before I go to locate some of the scattered pieces today, I want recognize just a few great people in my life...

• Liza herself -- You are beautiful. I hurt because I miss you. But far worse, I hurt because I missed YOU. 
• My stepfather -- His contributions to yesterday, today, and my life, are immeasurable.
• Liza's mother -- Thank you for your ear and your prayers. If I'm not talking to you then I probably need to. If you're not hearing from me then please call.

HOPE and CHANGE

I might be setting myself up for a great fall, but little is important to me today besides the fight that I have taken on. I dread the lingering regret if I should lose, but I will avoid the crushing regret of just letting it happen. The loss could come quick, the recovery relatively short and painful. But a victory would take far longer, prove me to be the man I know I am, and bring the worthwhile pain and joy that I have left unlived. A loss would be all about me, the victory about so much more.

I will look different after this week. After this week I will be different.

I never dreamed that so much of my life would be decided in a single week. For better? For worse? It is definitely a week of change. I hope I never take things for granted again like I have in the events that led up to this week of decision. Decisions put off... time wasted... life's beauty left unexplored.

I'm looking forward to a month or two off work. Yes, I have accomplished good things in the last 4.5 years. I have a pile of cash. But, as it stands today, I have little else.

Time off to do what? Everything and nothing. Exercise and rest. To roam and to be still. To think and to stop thinking. Austin, Texas is an easy day's motorcycle ride. I have friends there who have homemade beer and a place to sleep for a night or two. I'll be there. Thanks for the invitation, Jo.


Marty needs a break. Two, actually.




Holy crap I'm scared.

Worry

This space intentionally left blank.

"Take a Chance, Marty"

"Take a chance, Marty" she said.

Wilco